Here, There and Everywhere

To Lead A Better Life...
...do I need my love to be here?
...or way over there?

After a prayer/discussion meeting Monday night, a woman I'll call Eleanor, who used to be a student of mine but has since become more of a friend, took me aside to tell me she was happy for me, and to explain why.

"For a long time now, I haven't felt comfortable coming to these gatherings because I was so concerned about the dark energy I could see around you, spiraling ever downward and getting sadder and darker," she began. "But now, there is a dramatic change. Your energy is lighter, brighter and healthier. You must be a lot happier than you've been for a long time."

Knowing that I have been going through a rough time for over two years, I asked her when she first noticed this about me. Eleanor and I have known each other for about four years now. If she has always had this ability to read energy, she would probably have "seen" me before my rough time started.

"I first noticed it when we met at your house a year or so ago," she replied, referring to a meeting that actually took place about two years ago. "It was the night you laid out on your coffee table all your books you wanted to recommend to us and let us borrow some."

She had more to say, but it came out in spurts, as though she was remembering more about the feelings she had picked up that night the more she spoke.

"It wasn't just you, though," she continued, shocking me with what came next. "I don't know what your relationship is with 'S' but her energy was very dark that night too. Or at least I noticed it that night for the first time. 'S' had a different kind of energy around her, a fierce anger but I couldn't tell what was causing it. But the two of you obviously were feeding off of each other's energy, each other's anger. I could see it like a spiral of energy pulling you both downward."

She went on about the collaborative energy, negative energy that 'S' and I shared. Of course, we were consciously unaware of it, but apparently Eleanor could not only feel energy that 'S' and I knew was there between us but energy that we did not perceive. For, the truth is that 'S' and I were in the process at that time of falling deeply in love.

Though we believed our relationship was something born of heaven, though we were proud of it and wanted to shout it from the mountaintops, we had to keep it to ourselves. There were other people involved who would be hurt if the truth came out.

What Eleanor saw that evening, and apparently many times thereafter, must have been the darkness that eventually overcame us. The anger she perceived that first evening had to have originated from 'S' having to be inside my house, knowing that my wife was around somewhere (though she rarely joined our prayer/discussion meetings). It always disturbed her that I would declare my love to her in private but act distant and impersonal when the rest of the group arrived.

What struck me the hardest, as Eleanor and I talked this week for the better part of an hour, was that I always thought the love I found in 'S' was lifting me up, bringing me good energy. But she said she is just starting to see goodness around me now.

Now? It should be the opposite, shouldn't it? 'S' and I decided two months ago to cut off all contact. I have been regretting that decision, missing her terribly, feeling alone and filled with despair. I have been spending more time thinking of her when I should be working than I used to spend talking to her when I should have been working. My life has felt darker, my level of optimism has been reduced to almost zero. I throw myself into playing with my grandchildren and that helps me forget the pain for a few minutes at a time. Spending time with my wife doesn't bring the same effect. I have tried to force it to do so but all I feel is emptiness.

I continue to dream about somehow being free before I am too old. I hold out fantasies about how that might happen. And I struggle with the decision of whether to pack up and leave or wait until someday we both look at each other and admit that neither of us wants to continue this charade. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that a nearby Ramada Inn was advertising monthly rates. I planned out the whole thing in my head, about how I would move to a simple, temporary place, come home to work in my office every morning after she has left for the day.

And then Eleanor hits me with the notion that she detects positive energy and I know that I can trace it to the last two months. Could this energy reading thing be real? Could she be telling me something I should be hearing? I mean, suppose 'S' and I did find a way to free ourselves for each other, maybe after a year or so. Would we be resurrecting that dark energy and making it a permanent reality in our lives by moving in together? Or does that energy that Eleanor saw us sharing go away once our relationship can be publicly declared?

Too many questions. Never enough answers. Maybe it is as the cynics have always said, that love is usually more trouble than it is worth.

I honestly hope I never, NEVER sink to that level.